While looking at various Youtube videos on the MGTOW lifestyle, I accidentally ran into 21 Studios, a men’s self-improvement channel, featuring numerous and rather entertaining lectures on masculinity, self-esteem and dating. Speakers included Rollo Tomassi, author of “The Rational Male“, a book that intrigued me because of the enthusiastic feedback of its readers, ranging from men who were considering suicide after a failed relationship to concerned mothers seeking sound dating advice for their sons.
Women as hypergamous “relationship hoppers”
Rollo Tomassi’s book, “The Rational Male” is based on the premise that women are naturally ‘hypergamous’ creatures, i.e. unfaithful relationship hoppers, constantly looking for another man who better meets their material and sexual requirements. According to Rollo Tomassi, women’s libido increases when competing with other attractive females for the same exceptional male. Likewise, their sexual appetite and attractiveness decreases, when they feel secure in a long-term relationship. In order to assure men of a regular sex life, Rollo Tomassi recommends that they artificially place their partners in an atmosphere of competition with other women. Tomassi not only recommends this in the dating stage, where men are advised to maintain several non-exclusive relationships, which can be shifted around according to their sexual needs ( “turning plates”). He also encourages men to continue maintaining a spirit of competition for their wives after a long-term relationship is established. The purpose is to maintain women in a subtle atmosphere of uncertainty, so they will keep investing into their relationship, by staying attractive and providing their man with regular sex.
Beta male behavior is detrimental to the female libido
Tomassi’s view on women is rather one-dimensional. He seems to have little use for them, except as interchangeable providers of sexual pleasure and offspring. He also warns his readers against ‘One-itis’ the idea that there is a special soulmate out there for everyone. According to Tomassi, there is no such thing as a unique soulmate. Soulmates are a female construct, aimed at making men compliant to their imperative, i.e. being the devoted, caring ‘Beta male’ or ‘nice guy’ who sacrifices everything for his love interest. A lot of Beta males try to be a woman’s ‘best friend’, because they mistakenly believe that this would make them sexually appealing to her. Unfortunately, these ‘Beta males’, according to Tomassi, are not rewarded for their efforts. On the contrary. Because they place their woman in a secure position, Beta males unintentionally kill their partner’s libido, eventually losing her to that dark, mysterious stranger, who will satisfy her competitive, hypergamous nature. This explains why women often leave perfectly good providers to have affairs with their sexy personal trainer or that mysterious player who turns out to be a total jerk.
Men need to ‘unlearn’ beta male behavior to cope with hypergamous femininity
So what are men to do? According to Tomassi, Beta males or ‘nice guys’ need to ‘unlearn’ their feminized behavior to become what women really want: the independent, self-assured, elusive and completely unapologetic ‘alpha male’. The ‘Alpha male’ is the ‘Beta male’s’ opposite in terms of following women’s imperative. For the ‘Alpha’, women’s preferences are not a priority: there is only his way or the highway. He’s the top dog, the ambitious leader, the rogue, the man who does not need to explain himself to attract women in droves. The alpha male is neither good nor evil. He can be a top executive or a gang leader, an artist or golden boy, a rough biker or that sexy pool boy. Ultimately, it’s not his social status that really counts, but his attitude of mystery and independence. Women are always revolving around him, so when one of them leaves, there is always another to replace her. Alpha males do not get dumped like the wretched Betas. And if they do, it never brings them the same devastation. The alpha male is very much like the hypergamous female: always looking for the best option for themselves, putting their egos at the very top of their priorities.
Where I agree with Rollo Tomassi
1. Submissive ultra-Beta males are not sexy
While most women want husbands, who are their best friends, supportive partners and tender lovers, they also want their men to command respect both within the family and society. This has everything to do with the role of men as providers and protectors. To find out whether a man is a good protector, women ‘shit test’ his loyalty and strength. Why? Because a man, who is unable to stand up to his woman, is going to have an even harder time dealing with the many other challenges of life (both professional and personal). The last thing women want is another problem child to worry about. They want a strong protector to stand beside them and to raise children with, not a push over or a liability.
2. Myth of the soulmate
Under the influence of the media and the ‘female’ imperative according to Tomassi, a lot of people believe in the myth that there is a special Soulmate out there for everyone, also known as ‘The One’. Nothing is further from the truth. Actually, there are numerous compatible partners out there for each and every one of us. A separation does not mean that your life is over and that you’ll never find a suitable partner again.
3. Myth of women as ‘perfect snowflakes’
A lot of men tend to have unrealistically high expectations of women and relationships, often to their detriment. It goes without saying that women are fallible human beings, not morally superior angels or goddesses. Putting women on a pedestal is not conducive to a healthy, balanced relationship and will almost certainly lead to disappointment and heartbreak for men.
4. Don’t reveal all your secrets and vulnerabilities right away
No one is perfect and people do make mistakes. However, it is a bad idea to reveal all your ‘dirty secrets’ during the early relationship, especially if they are not representative of your personality. Don’t reveal your past partner count or other embarrassing details you’d rather not share on a date. A certain level of mystery does contribute to your sex appeal. It’s a myth that ‘being yourself’ will help you score with women. Also, you’re not necessarily misrepresenting yourself if you put your best foot forward.
5. Never shack up or buy a home with a woman who is not your wife
Tomassi’s reasoning behind this is that cohabitation not only makes it impossible for men to see other women (i.e. no opportunity to ‘shift plates’), but also decreases a woman’s libido due to the lack of competition. I agree with him that unmarried cohabitation is an inferior arrangement, compared to real marriage. In many cases, it is a band-aid against loneliness and sexual starvation, a trap which prevents men and women from achieving their genuine professional and personal goals.
Points where I don’t agree with Rollo Tomassi
1. All women, without exception, are potential hypergamists + Women are incapable of the same type of love as men
Although studies indicate that women tend to ‘marry up’ (the original meaning of the word hypergamy), in order to secure material well-being for themselves and their children, constantly ‘shopping around’ for wealthier and more exciting men seems like a very stressful activity for them to engage in. I have no doubt that there are women who will use any opportunity for instant gratification, especially in our current consumerist culture. However, constantly changing her affective and social environment is not conducive to a woman’s procreational and emotional need for stability. Also, cultural and religious norms do tend to civilize women’s basic instinctual drives, very much like they do for men.
Finally, although Tomassi writes that men and women have a different definition and perception of love, he does not manage to explain this claim in a convincing way. Do men really love for love’s sake, while women’s love is conditional and based on their hypergamic nature? I doubt there is any serious evidence to back this theory.
2. Maintaining competition stimulates the female libido
Competition can be exciting, but too much of it can be experienced as a threat. While a subtle atmosphere of insecurity and sexual competition, may force a woman to invest more into her (sexual) relationship, this could also backfire and actually encourage her to broaden her options, just in case hubby runs off with a ‘slimmer, younger model’. That brings me to the following question: isn’t the male quest for ever more beautiful women indicative of a masculine version of hypergamy? What does this say about men’s capacity to ‘love for love’s sake’? To answer these questions, is to know the answer.
3. If a woman won’t have sex with a man after three dates, he should stop seeing her
Because Tomassi believes that all women, regardless of their self-declared principles, will have sex when placed under the right circumstances, he encourages men to stop seeing women who delay the sexual part of their relationship. Why wait for any woman, since they’ll all agree to have a one night stand with the first alpha male jerk who gets them into the right mood? In Tomassi’s eyes, all women are sluts and if they are not, it’s merely due to a lack of opportunity or sex appeal. This seems like a very cynical, not to say misogynistic (and I don’t use this word lightly) opinion of women. This is very similar to the claim that all men would be sex fiends and rapists, if they were given the opportunity. Such generalizations tend to be very damaging to gender relations.
In his book ‘The Rational Male’, Rollo Tomassi paints a very bleak picture of women, men and their sexuality. Humans are slaves to their most basic instincts in a hedonistic and basically loveless world. If men feel the need to leash the hypergamous, sociopathic ‘nature’ of women, doesn’t that make them loveless sociopaths in the same process? An alternative solution may be the use of sex bots: female androids with bionic vaginas. For Mr. Tomassi and his fans, this may actually be the most sanitary and painless route away from the hell of “hypergamy”.